First published in The Glass Hammer 22 March 2010
It seems obvious to many of us that a diverse group of men and women leaders are more likely to be creative and make better decisions than a homogenous group of men.
If we manage to achieve gender-balanced leadership in our organizations we will, however, only reap the rewards if women leaders are able to be true to themselves. If women have to behave like men to succeed, the benefits of gender diversity remain unrealized and we might as well not bother.
But can women leaders really be authentically themselves within the structure of our current male leadership model, or must they conform to traditional male leadership values and behaviors in order to progress their careers?
Authenticity in this context refers to our capacity to align our behavior with our core values; to know what is most important to us and act accordingly. Most would agree that this is a quality fundamental to all good leaders.
Classic Dilemmas
The question of being true to yourself within any organizational culture is one to be wrestled with by all leaders, male and female. For women the unwritten rules of leadership within today’s organizations create conflicts in values that result in classic dilemmas.
| Values
|
Dilemmas |
| I value my career and I value family | I want children and I need to stay on track to be a leader |
| I value my career and I value my family | I want to be with my family and I need to be physically present at work for long hours |
| I value my career and I value my family | I want stability for my family and I need to be geographically mobile to take advantage of career opportunities |
| I value good relationships and being liked | I need to be tough, strong and assertive and I need to be warm, caring and collaborative |
| I value being judged by my results | I want my work to speak for itself and I need to promote myself |
| I value being rewarded on merit rather than who I know | I want my work to speak for itself and I need to network and influence people to get ahead |
| I value being true to myself and I value being a leader | I want to behave in alignment with my values and I need to conform to the unwritten rules of the male leadership model |
What is distressing or painful about a dilemma is having to make a choice we don’t want to make, particularly when that choice involves a values conflict. These conflicts certainly account for some of the angst I encounter when coaching women leaders in traditional organizations.
This seems like an impossible situation. How can women achieve positions of leadership within the structure of a male leadership model and at the same time live in alignment with their values and be true to themselves?
There is no easy answer, but from experience I know that understanding your hierarchy of values in any given situation will help you to retain your authenticity and make choices that enable you to stay true to yourself.
Choice and values
Our core values tend to stay pretty consistent for all of our lives. They are part of who we are, what we believe in, the assumptions we make and they inform how we behave. In any given situation we may find that we have more than one of our values in play and that we have to make a choice about how to behave.
For example, my good friend models the dress she has bought for a function we are attending that evening and asks me if I like it. I don’t particularly like the dress and I am confronted with a choice between two of my values: kindness and honesty. If I am true to my value of kindness I will tell her that I like the dress because there is no time to change it and I don’t want to risk spoiling her evening; or I can be true to my value of honesty and tell her I don’t like the dress. What do I do?
The answer is that I have to decide my hierarchy of values in this specific situation. I need to decide in the moment if honesty is more important to me than kindness, or if kindness is more important to me than honesty. It’s not that I am changing my values - both are still important. But in any situation where my values are in conflict I need to decide which value is senior right now. My values stay the same, but the hierarchy or what is most important will change in different situations and at different times of my life.
At work, we are confronted with value conflicts every day and it helps to be conscious of the fact that we always have a choice.
| Situation | Values Conflict | Potential Choices
|
| To progress my career I need to take an oversees appointment but my family refuses to move | I value being with my family and I value career progression | At this time in my life and my career what is more important to me: more time with my family or progressing my career? |
| To improve my prospects for promotion I need to build relationships with the right people in my organization but I would rather spend the time just doing a good job | I value progressing my career and I value doing my best in my current role | Is it more important in this organization and at this point in my career to devote all of my time to my current role, or to take some of my time to building important relationships? |
| I want to exercise so that I am fit and healthy but my job and my family take all of my time | I value my health and I value my job and my family | Will I put my job and my family before my health and fitness; or is my health important enough to take some time to exercise regularly? |
| I am naturally a collaborative and inclusive leader, but to get ahead in my organization I need to be more competitive and assertive | I value being collaborative and inclusive and I value becoming a leader in this company | Do I learn to become more competitive and assertive or do I try to find a different environment in which to express my leadership potential? |
| I prefer to be understated and let my work speak for itself, but the people who get ahead around here seem to be good at self-promotion | I value modesty and I value getting promoted | Do I learn how to promote myself or do I remain modest and hope for the best? |
Aspiring to become a leader in traditional organizations within the structure of a male leadership model creates a certain inevitability that you will frequently be confronted with choices such as these.
If you want to stay true to yourself as a leader and as a woman, the important point is to recognize that you always have a choice. The choice might be a difficult one, but if you know what you stand for and make your choices based on your hierarchy of values in any given situation, you are more likely to be a successful leader. And the world needs more successful women leaders!









Men Who Get It Project (Update)
In March 2011 I started the ‘Men Who Get It’ Project
The ultimate aim of the project is to include more men in the conversation about how to achieve gender-balanced leadership in our organizations.
First I asked women to identify men who get it using the following criteria:
Men who get it share some of the following characteristics and actions:
Based on these criteria I asked women to nominate suitable candidates for interview. I wanted to discover how and why these men supported women, and how we might encourage more men to do the same.
The men I’ve interviewed to date are aged between 26 and 80 years old, from varied professions and from different countries, including the UK, Sweden, Australia, Canada, USA, Switzerland and Dubai.
Here are some revelations and insights from the interviews so far:
They Do Exist
When my female friends learned about the project many predicted I would have very few nominations (implication – there aren’t many men out there who ‘get it’). In fact, although many women could only think of one or two men in their network who fit some of the criteria, most could nominate someone.
Insight: ‘Men who get it’ do exist, even if they are in the minority, and many want to be supportive and be included in the conversation on gender balance and equality.
They Are Influential And Have Good Ideas
Men are finding creative ways to support women, for example: Carl Otto in Canada created a measurement tool that shows how women tend to be better investment managers (and as a result has promoted more women than men in his organization); David Solomon in Australia and Eric Shoars in the USA both coach, publish and present on the merits of promoting more women into leadership positions; and Joe Keefe, CEO of Pax World Investments lobbies shareholders on board diversity and women’s empowerment.
Insight: If we include and encourage men who understand the merits of gender-balanced leadership they will find influential ways to join with us and bring about change.
Men Speaking To Men Might Work Better
Some interviewees suggested that men talking to other men could be more influential because “men might be seen as more credible because it is not seen as women pushing their own interests” and “men who are guilty of sexism are the ones less likely to take challenge from strong women.” Spotlighting men who are walking the talk on gender balance, particularly those with high positional authority, could be especially influential with other men.
Insight: we can continue to exclude men and make gender balance a women’s issue. Or, we can intentionally include men who are already on our side and make it an organizational and human issue.
Gender Equality Fatigue Requires A Different Approach
Many men are not against gender-balanced leadership; they are simply passive, “like they are waiting for someone else to do something about it – they feel it’s somehow beyond personal action.” In fact many men (and some women) don’t understand why we are still talking about this at all – hasn’t the issue been solved?
Insight: there is evident fatigue, particularly in the western world, around gender equality. We need to take a different approach if we want to influence change in the near future. Intentionally identifying and collaborating with ‘men who get it’ could provide added impetus for change.
Values Are As Important As The Business Case
Most of the men interviewed were motivated to action more by their personal values than by the business case for more women leaders. It wasn’t that they disbelieved the business case, quite the opposite. But it was personal values such as fairness, tolerance, respect and equality that really compelled these men to act.
Insight: It makes sense to influence change through research and facts. At the same time, let’s not forget that values and emotional engagement are essential components in bringing about change.
In this blog I can’t tell you all of good stories I heard about how and why these men who get it support women. But to give you a taste, here are a few priceless quotes from my interviews:
“In my experience the brightest and most searching minds just happen to have been carrying handbags”
Alex McNabb, Director, Public Relations, Dubai
“I think about gender when I’m recruiting because I don’t want 100% male population” Anders Karlstrom, Founder & co-owner, Leadership in Life Science, Sweden
“I’m a proud feminist”
Bruno Mital, Director General, Nonprofit, Canada
“We are leaving half of our best and brightest minds on the sidelines.”
Eric Shoars, Management Consultant, USA
“When I read the list of men who get it qualities I was really interested and inspired to be on it…I thought, that’s really not that hard, it’s really not beyond everyday action.”
Hugh Todd, Executive Coach, Australia
Do you know any men who get it? If you do, why not send them this blog and start a conversation about getting more gender-balance at the top of our organizations. Let’s be intentionally collaborative – after all, isn’t that supposed to be one of our great strengths?
And if you have any positive suggestions about how to further the work of the Men Who Get It Project I will be glad to hear from you.